I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
