i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Randomize
