Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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