Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
