I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
