I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
