you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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