Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
