You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
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