May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
