cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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