yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
