Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
