i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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