Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
