In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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