i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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