Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
