I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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