Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
