I didn't shave. On purpose
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
