Sry I called you an 8
Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
