We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
