ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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