Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
