wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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