people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
