Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
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