You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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