I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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