That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
