Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
