I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
