There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
