then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Plan B is the new Plan A
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
