Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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