when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
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