That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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