My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
