he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Randomize
