my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
