The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
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I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
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I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Randomize