I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize
