So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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