I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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