Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
