I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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