Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
