Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
