peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
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