i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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