How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
