Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
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