my mouth tastes like poor choices
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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