My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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