I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
