capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
