I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
