Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
