Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
