her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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