I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
